Being what I myself would consider a sensitive and reflective individual, I had during my early twenties noticed that I wasn’t really enjoying life anymore. “Anymore”, because I knew that it hadn’t always been that way and that at some point, I must have taken a wrong turn.
Looking back, there were times I remember when as a child, life was so great, that I didn’t want to go to bed at night because I was having so much fun. Nor could I wait to wake up in the mornings, fully energized for the start of a new day that was sure to be full of surprises, adventures and things I loved doing. This experience as a child irreversibly set the bar for my expectations towards life. Even considering the responsibilities as well as the hardships that naturally go along with life, it didn’t seem possible for me to ever settle for less than the way I experienced being alive as a child. That chapter of my life had been so rich in excitement, fascination, wonder, vividness, joy and freedom of expression, that basically, since the end of my teenage years at the latest, everything else had gradually fallen short.
My late teens and twenties were filled with occupations and activities where I had to push myself through, because I didn’t enjoy them at all. Although the decisions, that had led me to where I was, were made by me, I had made them for the wrong reasons. Instead of asking and listening to myself, I only asked and listened to others. Instead of attempting to turn my individual dreams into reality, I let myself get taken in by narratives on how life “ought to be lived”. Instead of being who I felt I was, I adjusted myself according to what I believed to be the opinions, likes and expectations of others.
What had provided me with the energy to keep this exhausting way of life up for so long, was the conviction, that I was on the right track, and that the good life laid right around the next corner. As soon as that conviction started to perish however, my energy levels drastically changed.
After years of consecutive disappointments, each of them leaving me more drained as well as disillusioned than the one before, I eventually found myself waking up burnt out and depressed, in a life where I had nothing I was really looking forward to anymore, neither short nor long term. It was the exact opposite of what I had expected life to be. Everything felt like a drag.
I started honestly asking myself what I was doing with my life (Brad Blanton’s “Radical Honesty” was a game changer for me here). What was I trying to achieve? In my friendships? My relationships? My hobbies? My career? What was the point of getting that university degree? Was it a job? What was the point of that job? A career? So that I can earn good money? What was the point of that money if I didn’t have the time to enjoy it because I was too busy working for it? Financial independence, retire early? Was that what our lives came down to? Or rather, our “survival”?
In search for a way of life that was meaningful to me, my questioning went deeper and deeper, until I eventually broke through all of the cultural dogma that had built itself up inside of my mind over decades, which had up to then been the foundation for all of my major decisions. I asked myself, what was the meaning of life? Did it even have a meaning? Why go on? Why existence in the first place? And for me most importantly, where in this life was I to rediscover joy and motivation?
I was passively floating in what at the time, felt to be a depressing, meaningless intellectual and emotional void, while at the same time being under the social pressure of having to “grow up and stand on my own two feet”, which was a different way of saying: just stop whining and get a job.
My problem was that I had no motivation for anything except distracting myself with short-term, dopaminergic activities such as eating fast food or playing video games, which were only making my situation worse. Because I had torn down everything that had so far given me orientation and structure in life, I had to lay down a new foundation and rebuild a structure that would actually fit who I truly was. That for me turned out to be a lot easier said than done. I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know what the point of life was, or what role I would play in it. I didn’t even really know who I was because I had been living so dishonestly and inauthentically for the majority of my life. I didn’t know anything anymore, and as the Zen Buddhist saying goes, “you can’t nail a peg into the sky”.
Being in this lost state for a few years turned me and my life into a mess, and I knew something had to change. What were my options?
I could continue to suffer and let my time, energy and opportunity just pass away, most likely making everything worse. I had, however, already been doing this for years, and I was starting to get tired of it. It felt as if there was nothing left for me to get out of that experience. It wasn’t really giving me anything anymore, and it felt like it was time to move on.
My other option was to figure out how to overcome the situation I was in and try to make the best out of life, no matter what. Intellectually, I had already known for quite a long time, that this was definitely the way I “wanted” to go, but as you may have experienced yourself, that doesn’t have to mean much. Nevertheless, I stuck with this option due to the insight I describe in the paragraph above. Everytime I would get off track, I’d remember a quote from the first Matrix movie: “Neo, you’ve been down that road, you know where it leads, and you know that’s not where you want to be.” No matter how demotivated I felt about pursuing positive change, what kept me going was that I had no other viable option.
Positive change in my case didn’t happen overnight. It was important for me to try things out and go down all of the wrong paths, in order to not only process the feelings I had neglected for so long, but to also accumulate the insights I needed to move forward. I gradually started finding the answers I was looking for. My fundamental beliefs and views started changing. My emotions started changing. My thoughts started changing. My actions started changing. My life started changing. And suddenly, everything made sense. Everything started falling into place. Everything I had ever been through now somehow played a role in turning my mess into my message. And while I still have a long way ahead to where I personally want to be in life, it finally feels like the right path. A path that, for me, is not only worth putting in the effort, but just as much meaningful and enjoyable.
It has become my vocation to help others who, for whatever reasons, feel stuck in life, move forward on their own path. My work as a Coach, Mentor & content creator is dedicated to help dissatisfied yet ambitious individuals start living fulfilling lives today, without having to first spend years or even decades settling for less.
The content of my work will revolve around everything that has to do with going from surviving to thriving in life (keep me updated).
Sincerely,
Daniel